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From today's featured article 

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Hello, reader. It seems you have found this article whilst browsing half-heartedly through the Uncyclopedia bookshelf. However, this article is incredibly depressing; I myself sometimes cry like a baby at night, my face slowly vanishing from existence, because of the horrors of this article.

My name is Lemony Snicket, and I am the socially insecure author of an extremely melancholy series of books. I have also written this article, which happens to be about said books. I have promised to inform the public of this terrible tale, no matter how sad I may get, but if you are interested in articles with happy endings, you would certainly be better off reading some other article, for example one about innocent little kittens, or perhaps something about a 19th-century poet whose works are no doubt more uplifting than mine. That way, you would never have to know about A Series of Unfortunate Events, all of which are documented below.

This particular tale is one of misery and woe. Some people think it is over-the-top and dramatic, but those people don't understand what it's like to lose a loved one, or become an outlaw, or win a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award — you just want more and more, you smarmy bastards! Shame on you! Shame on you all for ever clicking on the link that took you to this depressing article in the first place! Um, anyway, its main characters are three sad children who must face burden after burden in order to finally settle down happily. They are constantly stalked by a wheezing, greedy, evil old man named Count Olaf, and are surrounded by adults who do not understand their problems. (Full article...)

Did you know... 

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  • ... that it is most certainly not beneficial to Society to monitor Internet use? (Pictured)
  • ... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
  • ... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
  • ... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?
  • ... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
  • ... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
  • ... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?
  • ... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?

In the news 

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Donald Trump is the first convicted President of the United States

On this day 

Showing off on his motorcycle to some high school chicks would seal his fate.

June 2: Doris Day

Picture of the day

Norman Wisdom
 Sir Norman du Pitkin, Clown Prince of Albania was at the forefront of the philisophical teachings following the Norman Invasion.

Image credit: Mhaille
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