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From today's featured article
[The Teletubbies are eating their custard breakfast]
LAA-LAA: How many pounds of custard are we talkin' here?
DIPSY: We're talking, like... at least 500 pounds of custard in that vault.
TINKY WINKY: No shit? That's a whole lot of fuckin' custard. That would do wonders for our business, man.
PO: You guys remember that motherfucker, Noo-Noo? Little vacuum thing? Baby Sun told me he's already got information regarding the joint.
TINKY WINKY: Noo-Noo? We worked with him once and I nearly fuckin' died cause of it, remember? His goddamn battery started overheating and he almost exploded! How can we be sure he's reliable for a job as big as this?
Did you know...
- ... that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (Pictured)
- ... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
- ... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
- ... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
- ... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
- ... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
- ... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
- ... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
In the news
- Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge (Pictured)
- NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
- Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
- Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
- Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
- Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
- Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
- Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
- Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
- Santa's Elves on strike
- UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
- Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?
Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)
On this day
April 27: When Pigs Fly Day (Chile)
- 1368 - The Big Bad Wolf is found guilty of vandalism and mouth robbery, and is sentenced to 30 hours of social work.
- 1509 - Pope Julius II places the Italian state of Venice under interdict. The interdict arose from finding the state warm and moist.
- 1520 - Magellan arrives in the Philippines. The locals invite him in for some dinner.
- 1555 - You are born, but die of cholera by age eight. You don't remember this previous life because you were born a moron.
- 1945 - USA and USSR meet for the first time in Germany, starting a love affair to last several decades.
- 1949 - Texas becomes the first US State to outlaw Cheese, following the discovery of a Soviet covert cheddar ring operating in Houston.
- 1966 - NASA scientists propose using Dusty Springfield's 11-mile tall bouffant to get to the moon.
- 2011 - Pigs are observed actually flying in the Southern United States.
Picture of the day
Even the power of an iPod is no match for the common gun. Image credit: Llama-Llover |
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