Portal:Religion
 Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Religion portal By far the holiest portal you will ever find.
CATEGORIES: Category:Atheism - Category:Christianity - Hinduism - Category:Islam - Category:Judaism - Category:God - Category:Gods - Category:Goddesses - Category:Magic - Category:Mythology - Religious Leaders - All... |
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His Noodliness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the ultimate truth in the universe. It is the central point of worship in the religion commonly known as Flying Spaghetti Monsterism or Pastafarianism, according to which it is The Creator and Overseer, watching our lives and our world, changing them as it sees fit, by use of his most holy noodly appendage.
Incredibly, this ancient religion was not well-known until its rediscovery in 2005 by graduate student Bobby Henderson. He shall live on forever in the afterlife next to the Beer Volcano. Due to this incredible rebirth, Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is now one of the world's most edible and fastest-growing religions.
| Archive | Article credit: Flammable | (more ) |
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The Church of God the Wholly Incompetent is a Christian church based mainly in North America and Western Europe. Adherents believe God is omnipotent but generally unqualified for His role as deity, citing the Great Flood, the Roman Empire and their own personal failings as proof. Worldwide membership was 30.5 million in 2006.
The sect has been controversial since its foundation, and faced persecution in several countries for its allegedly heterodox views. The church (whose followers are known as "compies") believes in a "fractured Trinity", holding that Jesus is the Son of God but "got in over his head" when he let himself die on the cross.…
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"Yeah, dat's me, Fadda Murphy. Check out my prince duds and Jew cap."
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Quote of the Week
— Any pirate on Captain Jesus.
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BNEI BRAK, Israel -- Local conservative rabbis are sick with worry, anxiety and unease at the increasing popularity of practical, comfortable fashions; more so even than the worry, anxiety and unease that causes their usual kvetching. After much bickering they have responded with the tact, sensitivity and delicate touch for which fundamentalists of all stripes are known; by burning down stores that sell offensive clothing and spraying bleach on women that Rabbi Yosef Elyashiv refers to as "...those nasty whores with their whore legs, whore skin and whore bulges. Whores!".…
| Archive | Article credit: Modusoperandi | (more...) |
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A proper Christian burial • Armageddon • Baptise • Chronikkah • Creation • Cthulhu Day • Damnation • December 21, 2012 • Doomsday • Easter of the Living Dead • Exorcism • First Communion • God v. Nietzsche • God v. Nietzsche • God vs. New York • Holy Week • Mass (church) • Passover • Premarital wanking • Presentation of the Lard • Reincarnation • Religious relic trading • Sacrifice • Salvation • Sermon • The Flood Trial • The Great Flood • The Rapture • The Second Coming • War on Science
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| Name: | Abraham | Lao-tse | Buddha | Jesus | Mohammed | Charles Darwin | Bobby Henderson | L. Ron Hubbard | Oscar Wilde |
| Co-founders, Pretenders, Prophets: | Moses | Peter, Paul, & Mary, Martin Luther |
Ali, Abu Bakr, Umar, Uthmar | Richard Dawkins | Tom Cruise, John Travolta |
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| Religion(s): | Judaism | Taoism | Buddhism | Christianity, Catholicism, Protestantism, approx. 1000 more sects and spin-offs | Islam, Sunni, Shia, Sufis, Alawis, Druze, assorted bizarre desert sects | Atheism, Theory of Evolution | Pastafarianism | Scientology | Uncyclopedia |
| Miracles (approx.): | 20 | 1 | 7 | 200 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 1 (honest) |
| Covenants & Promises: | Milk, honey, and eternal life | Being one with the universe | Reincarnation, Nirvana | Eternal life | Eternal life, 72 virgins for bonus level | Freedom of thought | Pasta, stripper factory, and beer volcano | Deliverance from wealth, friends and sanity | You will kneel before Wilde. |
| Enlightenment (kW): | 1.5 | 150 | 200 | 1.6 | 1.25 | 180 | 100 | -10 000 | ∞ |
| Wives (approx.): | 2-3 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 9-30 | 1 | unlimited | 3 (so far) | Ha, ha, ha! |
| Followers: | 30-40 mln. (approx.) | 60 mln. (approx.) | 375 mln. | 2.1 bln. | 1.3 bln. | 500 mln. | 120 bln. | 42 | Uncyclopedia admins |
| Violent followers: | 2.0% | 0.1% | 0.1% | 2.5% | 2.6% | 0.000001% | 0.01% | 60% | 100% |
| Overall result: | GOOD | GOOD | GOOD | NOT BAD | COULD DO BETTER | POOR | EXCELLENT | COULD DO BETTER | POOR |
| Value for money: | FAIR | FAIR | FAIR | GOOD | COULD DO BETTER | EXCELLENT | EXCELLENT | EXCELLENT | COULD DO BETTER |
| The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy | |
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Top Rung, the Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, & the Holy Spirit, opposed by Satan Middle Rung, the Holy Triforce: Mrs. God, Jesús, & The Holy Ghost, opposed by Stan |
| † The Holy Family of the Jesii † | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Sacred Host of Major Jesii
The So-So Company of Other Jesii
The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii
The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii
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| Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Satan. | |
 Original Satan: The one who fell first.
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The Scourge of Europe: EuroSatan
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| Satan Claus: Ensnaring dyslexics looking for Santa.
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Satan's apprentice: Prince of Darkness
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| Satan Bunny: Beware his cuddliness.
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The scariest Satan: Antichrist
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| Crankypants Satan: Invented toddlers and Disco
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The most incomprehensible Satan: Anti-Christ
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| Space Satan: aka Bat Fuck Satan
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Satan of gaming: Sega
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| Hellmo: Satan of Sesame Street
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Satan in command of enemy forces in War on Terra: Bambi
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| Satin: Is his name a typo?
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Satan's younger brother: Stan
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| Dick Cheney: Republican Satan.
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Satan's socialist alter ego: The Devil
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| GLaDOS: Futuristic Satan of portal
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Satan of video gaming: EA
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| The Seven Deadly Sins |
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Greed - Wrath - Gluttony - Pornography - Envy - Indifference - SPAM |
| How can you even think of such things? |
Damnation · Flagellation · Flood · Death of Your First Born · Frogs · Pestilence · Global Panic · Testicular torsion
Fire and Brimstone · Famine · Cancer · Papercuts of Doom · Damaged goods · Sudden Death · Reaganomics
Spontaneous Combustion · Decapitation Disease · Marriage · Melenoma · Meteors · Pedicornwallification
| Enjoy their presents, and rejoice their jolly names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Santa. | |
| Future Santa: AKA The Ghost of Christmas Future | Save yourself from Robot Santa! |
| Black Santa: (Insert a racist joke here) | The kids' most loved bishop:Eurosanta |
| Satan Claus: He sees you when you're sleeping... | And if you thought one Satanic Satan was enough... Satan Clause |
| Scally Santa: UK's most beloved guy. | The father of all Santas: Father Christmas |
| If you are still unsatisfied with these Santas, you can always check out even... | |
| More Santas | |
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