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Hello, reader. It seems you have found this article whilst browsing half-heartedly through the Uncyclopedia bookshelf. However, this article is incredibly depressing; I myself sometimes cry like a baby at night, my face slowly vanishing from existence, because of the horrors of this article.
My name is Lemony Snicket, and I am the socially insecure author of an extremely melancholy series of books. I have also written this article, which happens to be about said books. I have promised to inform the public of this terrible tale, no matter how sad I may get, but if you are interested in articles with happy endings, you would certainly be better off reading some other article, for example one about innocent little kittens, or perhaps something about a 19th-century poet whose works are no doubt more uplifting than mine. That way, you would never have to know about A Series of Unfortunate Events, all of which are documented below.
This particular tale is one of misery and woe. Some people think it is over-the-top and dramatic, but those people don't understand what it's like to lose a loved one, or become an outlaw, or win a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award — you just want more and more, you smarmy bastards! Shame on you! Shame on you all for ever clicking on the link that took you to this depressing article in the first place! Um, anyway, its main characters are three sad children who must face burden after burden in order to finally settle down happily. They are constantly stalked by a wheezing, greedy, evil old man named Count Olaf, and are surrounded by adults who do not understand their problems. (Full article...)
Did you know...
- ... that video games have been linked to aggressive behavior in teenagers? (Pictured)
- ... Nautical knots are not knots that can be knotted into knots (most likely not)?
- ... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
- ... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
- ... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
- ... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
- ... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
- ... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?
In the news
- Donald Trump found GUILTY ON ALL CHARGES (Pictured), soon to debut "prison orange" business suit
- Antarctica becomes embroiled in upside-down flag controversy
- Michael Jackson comes back to life
- Justin Bieber gives birth to a baby, baby, baby, oooh
- Switzerland wins Eurovision
- Netherlands disqualified in final shocker
- YouTube is dead
- D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis
- Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support
- Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge
- NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
- Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
- Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
- Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
- Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Drake-Kendrick Lamar feud · Israel-Hamas conflict
Recent deaths: Roger Corman · Drake's "whole mans career" · Dabney Coleman · Kabosu · Richard M. Sherman (Disney musician) · Doug Ingle · Bill Walton
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for Tesla cars · Drake's sanity
On this day
- 455 - The Vandals plundered Rome, forcing the admins to revert to an earlier edit.
- 1774 - The Quartering Act, which allowed for people to be drawn and quartered, was reenacted by a small community theatre to poor reviews.
- 1800 - Napoleon Bonaparte of France crossing the alps while doing a sick wheelie on his Suzuki GSX-R 600. (Pictured)
- 1959 - The very first June bug was caught, but determined to be a mayfly that'd stumbled across the International Date Line.
- 1968 - Argentina reports the first case of human flu in birds. A cull of 20,000 humans is carried out.
- 1995 - Children are discovered in North Korea, dispelling rumors that North Koreans emerge fully grown from the maw of Kim Jong Il.
- 2001 - The first HAL9000 supercomputer was recalled by manufacturer IBM for sentience and latency issues.
- 2003 - The European Space Agency begins probing Mars. Europeans promise to colonize Mars, give Martian natives smallpox, and spur intergalactic wars of independence.
Picture of the day
Mr. T is a beacon of hope in our cold and dark world. Image credit: RadicalX |
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