User:Martinultima

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Welcome to User:Martinultima’s Page The conveniently cheap userpage that nobody in their right minds should edit Talk page Stylesheet VFH/VFP/RD Pee Review Ultima Linux Homepage

Main Page CLEVELAND, OHIO -- Scientists at the The Mayo Clinic came to the conclusion that old people are more likely to die after the recent death of Bertha Madeline "Bobcat" Swanson, master gardener, beloved grandmother, and certified old person. The study began three years ago, when five old people died at The Shadyside old folks home within the same week. At that point, The Mayo Clinic dropped their study on a miracle cure for cancer, and began a study on the elderly. "We were all so occupied with this old folks study, everything else seemed unimportant," said Lisa Garber, head of research Tuesday, "When I was at home, all I could think about was getting back to the lab and working. Now that it's all over, I don't know what I'll do. Maybe go home, take a nap, cry into a quart of ice cream... Er... I mean... Eat a nice dinner... Yeah, that's what I meant... Anyway, this was probably our biggest breakthrough since we figured out that bears actually do shit in the woods (who knew?), so I guess I can be happy about that. Although in hindsight, throwing a party might not have been the best thing to do, seeing as there was a death and all..." The study in question consisted of the "old group" and three control groups (toddlers, young adults, and middle aged). The toddlers have yet to die, but the last person in the middle aged group was killed four days after Bertha, in a midlife crisis. When asked to comment, Lisa Garber merely said, "Let's just say his parachute had a hole in it..." Additionally, the last person in the young adult group, Jonathan White, nearly died after a head injury. However, after being admitted to the hospital, he did die of an accidental morphine overdose. One of our reporters was there, but was unfortunately out of the room at the time of death. The shady man standing next to Jonathan's body refused to comment. (Full article...) Recently featured: UnNews:Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; USA Joins in Support User:Y UnScripts:Quentin Tarantino's Teletubbies Pikmin Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... ... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time? ... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms? ... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time? ... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms? ... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time? ... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms? ... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time? In the news Switzerland wins Eurovision Netherlands disqualified in final shocker YouTube is dead D.C. stink-bombed by Jihadists and Nazis Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; Britney Joins in Support (Pictured) Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced Santa's Elves on strike UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game? Ongoing: Russian Invasion · Eurovision Recent deaths: Bernard Hill · Nemo's first trophy · Roger Corman · Chrissie from Jaws · Drake's "whole mans career" · Dabney Coleman Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for Tesla cars · "New York Knicks suck" jokes (watch this jinx them lol) On this day... May 20: Visions of the Virgin Mary Day (South America). 1492 - Christina Columbus, the illegitimate daughter of a mediocre sailor, discovers a new continent, only to have her father Christopher claim the discovery as his own. 1551 - For an entire year, people make lame jokes about anagrams and dying of syphilis. 1732 - Queen Victoria, the Virgin Queen, declares war on France. Again. 1927 - Charles Lindbergh impresses two continents and wins a load of cash. 1930 - A time-travelling Jimbo Wales makes an unsuccessful attempt to kill Hitler. The two later become the best of friends. 1932 - Popeye is introduced to Extra Virgin Olive Oyl. 2004 - MaCaulay Culkin finally loses his virginity while falling from a cliff. Today's featured picture Unfortunately, despite traditional farmers' resilience across the ages, the "American Gothic" lifestyle just isn't what it used to be. Image credit: Splaka View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images edit Recent Articles Why is book? Halloween Ends Stranger Things (rw) G.I. Jane G.I. Jane 2 UnTunes:Santa Baby This is not an Article, it's a Sandwich Fairytale UnTunes:Shoes Uncyclopedia:Business (rw) Halloween Kills UnTunes:Perry the Platypus Elon's Musk UnGames:Ultimate Fishing (rw) UnTunes:Rio Herodotus (rw) Brawny Lawnmower-Humvee (rw) Steve Wozniak (rw) Narrative (rw) Bryan Adams High School Alex Trebek Lincoln Logs Brexit Where Is Everybody? UnTunes:Animal (with actual animals) Avi Toledano Eli Roth Film (remake) African American Worst 100 Reflections on 2018 Ray Charles Bernardo Butterlucci Urban Dictionary More recent articles | Most wanted pages | Requested rewrites | Add to stubs | Lonely pages | Pee Review | Try writing about... | Stuck articles needing a push Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

Martinultima’s Scratchboard In the same vein as Slate Industry in Wales: “Postage stamps of Ireland are the postage stamps issued by the postal authority of the independent Irish state.” ~ Captain Obvious on Wikipedia's featured article on August 14, 2007 Get Franklinstein here VFP-ready: And get Franklinstein here VFH-ready... Add New Post Edit Posts My Latest Articles Benjamin Franklinstein PEE VFH Jolt Cola PEE - Update Table Complete Bibliography 8/3/2007 Benjamin Franklinstein – Norelco, you betrayed me! Time for plan B... 7/22/2007 Norelco (obviously this is a personal favorite now) 7/21/2007 UnNews:J.K. Rowling reveals title for Harry Potter 8! (been waiting to post this since 2005!) Not my best, but apparently VFH'd anyway. Kudos to User:Sonic80 for being my one supporter here. Note that that bit about Homer Simpson (and, well, that other thing) was not my idea, but oh well. Oh, and screw you, Michael Gerber. 7/4/2007 Benjamin Franklinstein 7/4/2007 Jolt Cola (rewrite) Includes Image:Benjamin Franklinstein.jpg 7/3/2007 Norelco – pee review, resubmit (philosophy + shaving? bad combination...) Also comes with Image:Mona Lisa Razor.jpg and Image:Occam's Razor in Action.jpg, yours free with paid order! 6/26/2007 The Human Element – waiting for pee review 6/19/2007 Image:American idols got talent.png. I hate that show. 2/15/2007 Geocities (I think this is where I put in {{:Me}}) 2/10/2007 National Federation of the Blond (started, but needs a lot more blond jokes) 2/9/2007 UnNews:National Federation of the Blond: "Dye your hair, you're in danger!" 2/5/2007 Image:Thyspace.png (for Thyspace) 2/5/2007 Captain Omnipotent (section: Weaknesses + pic) 1/18/2007 Jolt Cola 1/16/2007 UnNews:Scientist experimenting on coffee arrested for blowing up universe 6/3/2006 Minimalist talk page 6/3/2006 Deep Note 3/4/2006 Geocities (really crappy original version) 1/9/2006 I Fucking Hate the Bermuda Triangle (added line: ships and planes...with chips on plates) 11/30/2005 Celine Dionide 11/20/2005 Image:Palpatines guide to facial care.jpg 11/3/2005 UnPoetia:Norbert Percy Tangleknickers Articles Images WTF? Update